Not Meant to Nurse

I noticed that I hadn't posted in a while and was going to wait until I had pictures of the girls from our recent trip to NY. But then I thought, you know what, I know that other people just want to hear about my girls, but it's my blog and I'll write about what I want to!
Mothers who successfully nurse their children have no idea what goes on in the heart of a mom who is unable to nurse for any reason. Whether we make a choice not to from the start or life events make the choice for us, there is much turmoil in a mother's heart. Maybe it's just my heart, so I'll just share for me.
For all three of my children I have not been successful at nursing. Each child has their own experience and reasons for not nursing, but each child ends with the same result, formula fed. You would think I would see by now that even formula fed babies are smart and healthy. My babies rarely are ill and are just as bright, if not brighter in my unbiased opinion, than any other breastfed babies their age. Yet it still hurts when people make comments or when you see an ad for breastfeeding. There is still a longing to have had that connection, to be in that club, to save all of that money! I remember crying flipping through Parents magazine seeing ads for breastfeeding and feeling like such a terrible mother. Though I don't have such extreme emotional responses with the third child, I still question myself at times. I worked harder than ever this go round to nurse. I nursed Sydney when she was just minutes old, I nursed frequently, pumped frequently, used herbal supplements, talked with lactation consultants and still was not able to nurse her. I felt like I worked so hard and should have been rewarded for that with a wonderful nursing baby! One friend asked if I had tried perscription meds....nope... I didn't.
So as I noticed that I am still producing milk after not having nursed for over 2 months I started to wonder...what if I decided to give nursing another shot, maybe I could take a perscription. So I did a little research into Relactation. Besides the constant nursing, re-latching and other efforts I would need to get my already low milk supply up, I have two choices for persription meds. One they do not sell in the US, the FDA does not recommend it. The second one is Reglan, which I am HIGHLY allergic to. So...really there is no choice.
And now here I sit, reflecting on my experiences and realizing that up to this point (who knows what the future holds!) I am just not meant to nurse. Do I love my children with all of my heart?? Absolutely! Am I doing my very best to take care of and nurish my children?? You betcha!
So to all of you nursing moms who have NO IDEA what it's like to not be able to nurse your babies: I bottle feed and I am proud of it!