Feeding

*SIGH*
Why is feeding your baby so hard?
I guess not all moms have this issue.  I have friends who feed there babies so effortlessly.  Their milk flows like never ending streams and their babies gain pounds each week.
Feeding has never been easy for me.  I have lamented on this issue before in my post Not Meant to Nurse  after the birth of my 3rd daughter.  I have since had two more beautiful girls and have struggled with their feeding as well.  I have tried every herb there is, pumped before and after birth, fed continuously and met with many lactation consultants.  To my frustration and sadness, my milk does not nourish my babies.  I have mourned 5 times as I have packed away the nursing bras and pump and pulled out the formula and bottles.  I have had to deal with the dirty looks and rude comments from mothers who don't understand.  I have had to deal with the guilt in my own heart when I read articles about how breast milk is the only way to feed your baby.  I have dealt with the frustration of having to remember to pack bottles and formula, only to show up at my destination lacking in one or the other. 
We have now hit a new stage in our feeding issues. We have begun making our own homemade formula with raw milk using this recipe recommended by Sally Fallon and the Weston A. Price Foundation.  Gathering all the supplies has been difficult.  I have continually misread directions and labels.  I have made quite a few batches incorrectly and had to toss the whole precious batch.  Just when I think I've done everything right, I end up realizing I mixed something wrong or added the wrong amount of an ingredient and have to start all over again. 
I just want to feed my baby.  I want her to have the healthiest diet we can provide.  I will never be blessed with the ease of breastfeeding.  Every bottle I make is one less bottle to worry about and brings us closer to that blessed last bottle when she turns 1. 
Lord have mercy!
I'm not sure that I have much of a point to this post other than to do a little venting.
I love my babies!  Abigail is such a beautiful, happy child.  She doesn't hold it against me that she can't nurse.  She forgives me every time she vomits up my formula mistakes.  She smiles and coos and snuggles without hesitation with her less than perfect mother.  I am blessed!
So as I am washing my bed sheets once more and remaking a batch of formula yet again, I will do so with love in my heart for the precious life I have been entrusted with, knowing I am doing the best that I can with the resources that I have.