Under the Laurel Tree Review

“...healing from the shame of infertility comes not when/if we finally get pregnant, but rather when we ultimately surrender to our full worth as men and women, children of the living God whose image we bear and whole love we can never escape.” Pg 209 Under the Laurel Tree.  This quote comes from the very last sentence in the Epilogue.  This is the sentence that I was waiting to hear throughout the entirety of the book.  In fact, I was really hoping when I chose to read this book, that everything would begin from this point.  I understand that with great loss comes great grieving. But it would be toxic if we dwell in our grief and not learn the process of healing.  Unfortunately, this is not the book’s focus. There is no guidance to walk us through the path of healing while dealing with infertility, we’re just supposed to do it.  Instead, what we get is the raw, bitter emotions of someone in the midst of a very painful experience in life. While I understand how it is important to be able to be candid and honest with feelings, in a book that promises comfort in the midst of infertility, it feels like bitter thoughts are more provoked than they are tamed.

While the book is geared towards women dealing with infertility, there are many aspects that apply to married couples in many different situations. “..what I firmly believe is the single biggest predictor of marital satisfaction in infertility, is the ability to create and maintain a shared sense of purpose that doesn’t rely solely on children.”  YES!  This is also so very, very important for couples that do have children.  The lack of/abundance of children is not going to save our marriages, it is the uniting as one and living as a couple, with the purpose of living in holiness. 

There were also misunderstood sufferings projected.  I almost wish this book had been written by someone in their 60’s or more who has run the race of infertility and has the ability to calmly look back and reflect on the process. Or even co-written with a women with no children and a woman with many.  The chapter on Anger proves my point. The author comes from the point that the handmaiden is rude, almost evil and that Anna has every right to send her out. That’s not how I see the scene. I see the handmaiden, at a loss for how to comfort her mistress and doing the best that she can with a prized possession.  A love offering, tossed like garbage by her mistress. Just because a person doesn’t know how to respond and accidentally says the wrong thing doesn’t make them an evil person, they had good intentions, they should be given the benefit of the doubt. I feel it is also presumptuous to say that infertile women are the only subjects of rude and judgmental comments.  Yes, even those dealing with a terminal illness, people do tell them to just pray more. People with depression are told they are disobeying because they are not ‘being anxious in nothing.’ I too dread going out in public for fear of wants taunts I will receive from strangers. Anywhere from, “Wow, you know what causes that.’ ‘Don’t you guys have any other hobbies?  You should get cable’ to loud obnoxious comments on our family size said well within our hearing. Even shouts of directions on the need to use birth control. Doctors shaming me for wanting to allow God’s will and how irresponsible I’m being. Crying because I don’t know how to tell my family I expecting because they feel like I had enough kids 3 kids ago. Even going to church and people feeling like they can discuss intimate parts of my love life with my husband.  I think the one huge things we have in common is Get Out of My Womb! But I also realize that people are people, and we are all sinful beings and I can expect nothing more from well intended people that say harmful things.

‘I was too worried about the biological clock to consider that there was a ‘prayer-ological’ one as well.  Evidently, some prayer requests have a shelf life.’ While I don’t agree with prayer having a shelf life, I do feel that there comes a point when we learn contentment.  Philippians 4:11-13 Paul points out that it doesn’t matter his life circumstances, in want/need, well fed/hungry, etc that he has learned to be content.  That doesn’t mean he’s happy about it, that he’s not actively praying for his desires, but he is content, which is far deeper. There are days I cannot seem to bear the burden I was given as a mom, I don’t want to do the job, I don’t like not having money or clothes or stressing about having enough food.  But I am reminded to be content, whether suffering or not. That is my purpose. My wish is that there can be a continuation of the story, one that guides through a healing process and promotes a life of being content in Christ, praising God no matter what.