Forgiveness Sunday

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I am a jumble of thoughts tonight.  It has been a very busy, stressful, and filling day.  My heart is overflowing, but I know I am going to collapse! 

Just a typical Sunday morning Liturgy can wear me out. 

I'm pretty sure Sydney ate her weight in M&M's today as her treat for going potty 100 million times (not including all the failed attempts.)

Julianna continues to suffer from "pewitis."  A complete and utter frustration to be in or anywhere near a pew.

Praise God that Abby is so cute that people are begging to hold her, I'm not sure what I would have done without so many people coming to my rescue!

After fueling up on carbs and coffee after church, Josh and I dropped the 5 little monkeys off with their Godmother and went to join several of the folks that we will be running with in next weekend's race.  Our team leader organized a nice and challenging workout for us throughout UNC campus.  Running I have down, arm strength....lacking.  At least I wasn't at the back of the pack.  T minus one week until the race.

Then off to celebrate with our friends the Chrismation and birthday of our newest convert...And wash off all of our sweat in preparation of Forgiveness Vespers. 

This is the point of the day that I started getting nervous.  Josh and I have not yet experienced a full Liturgical year in the Orthodox Church.  So much of the time, we have NO idea what's coming.  I've read about Forgiveness Vespers.  I know there will be lots of hugging and people. Not ideal for an introvert, but I know it's something I need to experience. 

Church does not start off how I had planned.  My two middle babies are protesting service.  Julianna, because she always does, Sydney because she hasn't napped all afternoon.  I think I had to leave service 5 times right away.  Don't my babies know I am trying to prepare my mind for what's to come?  Can't they let me just stand and listen?  I am already in tears before any forgiving has started...and also thinking about how I'm going to need to start by asking forgiveness of my 2 yr.old with all the thoughts about her rolling around in my head.  Thankfully, my two oldest are diligently working on the notebooks I put together for them to work on during the many services during Lent.

I notice right away a change in the service.  The curtain of the iconostasis has been changed from it's typical white to a dark crimson color.

The Priest and the Deacon are in dark purple vestments.  There are no bells on the censer.  Once the evening Prokeimenon is read, all of the tones turn to a mournful minor key. 

*Sigh*

I am finally able to listen and focus.  I am reminded of all that has lead up to this point.

Humility.

Repentance.

Love.

Forgiveness.

This journey has already been a roller coaster of emotions.  Just looking back through the last few weeks I see the beauty of how our preparations have been laid out.  One could not have approached tonight's Forgiveness Vespers without having an attitude of humility, repentance and love. 

We close the formal service by reciting the Prayer of St. Ephrem while doing a series of prostrations:

O Lord and Master of my Life, take from me the spirit of sloth, faint-heartedness, lust of power, and idle talk. (prostration)

 

But give rather the spirit of chastity, humility, patience, and love to they servant. (prostration)

 

Yea, O Lord and Kind, grant me to see my own sins and not to judge my brother; for Thou art blessed unto ages of ages. Amen.  (prostration)

 

Julianna holding her service book, prostrating herself

 

After the Vespers had ended, Father offered a brief explanation of what was coming next.  Starting with himself, we were all to say to one another "Please forgive me, a sinner."  I love how he takes the time to not just explain, but demonstrate for us (especially us first timers, although I still had to ask my Godmother what to say before it was my turn!).  Then he explains the proper response.  I must admit that I would have said,"I forgive you!"  But, Father reminds us that only God can forgive, our proper response is to say the same, "Please forgive me, a sinner."  Father, standing in front of us all, starts the process and asks forgiveness of us all and then bows before us.  Truly humbling.

 



We all begin with Father and add ourselves to the chain once we have asked forgiveness of everyone in line before us, then we stand like a receiving line, all circled around the Nave, asking forgiveness of those passing in front of us. 

I had no idea how I was going to react.  I began with Father, barely able to speak above a whisper.  It's not easy admitting you are sinful.  I watched my daughters moving bravely down the line ahead of me.  "I can do this!"  I think weakly.  Every so often I would reach a dear friend and my eyes would flood with tears.  It was a completely moving experience to go around and individually ask forgiveness of each and every member of our church family. Not just that, but also watching my sweet daughters do the same. Even little Abby was acknowledged and asked for forgiveness.  I was flooded with emotions. It is completely humbling to confess to everyone that you are a sinner and need forgiveness. It equals the playing field. All of us are completely sinful, there is not one who is better than the other, and we all are in need of forgiveness.  Our Deacon summarized the point of tonight's service so completely on Facebook tonight,

 "Forgive me, a sinner. Forgive me *because* I’m a sinner. Because I’m connected to creation and, thus, my sins contribute to the fracturing of it. Because the evil I introduce into the world affects you. Because there is no such thing as private sins. Because my sins – even the ones not aimed at you and that you will never know about – are, therefore, sins against you. So, yeah, for all that: forgive me, a sinner."

As we closed out the service my heart was completely full (and my arms were extremely tired, I do not recommend doing pull-ups and then holding a baby for an hour afterwards!).  I feel so refreshed, yet exhausted at the same time.  I have no idea what I am in for these next few weeks, but I cannot think of a better way to start!