Picking back up

We survived our first Lent.  All of my grand dreams of blogging through the 40+ days obviously didn't pan out. Life is settling now after Pascha, a long string of birthday celebrations, school and illnesses.
 
I had always seen myself as someone who was pretty active in church life when we were Protestant.  I mean, we were there pretty much every time the doors were open.  I taught Sunday School, I mean, come on, I even came regularly on Wednesday nights.

Yeah, that's nothing compared to Orthodoxy.  Orthodoxy is life. I'm not saying that Protestant Christianity is not.  Orthodoxy just takes things to the next level.  Not only am I at church all the time (one of our Deacons' sons was challenged by his friends, surely he couldn't be going to church yet again!), but I am also changing the way I eat, pray, and think about everything. 

And I can't keep up.


And that's OK.

At our last women's meeting we started with a devotional thought out of Hebrews 12.  The speaker shared how the author is telling us to run the race with endurance.  It's not a sprint, it's a Marathon.  If we try to sprint we'll run out of steam.  Not only do we need to stay at a good steady pace, we need to seek regular hydration through coming to services and refueling.  We keep chugging along, at every stage of life, and we don't stop until Jesus calls us home. 

That's such a 360 from my previous mindset of our Christian life as a series of Mountains and Valleys.  There were times where I was sprinting hard and fast, basking in the moment, only to trip up and fall in a low valley only to come up with the next spiritual high.  It was hard.  I never felt like I was performing well enough.  I was never reading/praying/studying enough and if someone else had some great spiritual thought in class and I didn't, I was obviously lacking in something. 

I felt myself coming back to this place at the end of Lent, entering the Paschal season.  Lent is hard, by Holy Week I was so consumed with the services, the thought of coming home and reading yet even more scripture on my own was over the top. 

Then, we hit Pascha and all of the sudden there is no fasting and shorter prayers.

Is this really allowed?  Aren't we cheating some how? 

Absolutely not.  The church Fathers, in their wisdom, have arranged our church calendar to keep us at a steady pace, to give a challenge when we need a push and a rest when we need a break, and that's OK.  Keep it steady, just keep chugging along.

We have now experienced a full church year in services.  I have seen the patterns and am learning the pace.  I realize that there are some things I just can't do as the mother of 5 young children.  They will grow older and we will be able to do more.  I am still so thankful for the amount of help everyone so willingly gives while we are at church.  And it's not just my family. We are all working together to help our children grow.

My children amaze me at how much they are growing and changing through this time.  My sweet Julianna, who can barely talk, mumbles through the song "Christ is risen from the dead."  Sydney insists on lighting candles and "reading" through service books, and of course, she lights up like she's meeting Santa at the sight of Father Nicholas.  They have quite the friendship (of course, the jelly beans from his office don't hurt either).  My big girls, Makayla and Caroline spend their free time writing prayers.  They are developing some wonderful friendships and church and are disappointed when we have to miss a service. 

I am blessed. 

I am learning the pace and am chugging along.

Lent Let Downs

Sigh....We are almost half-way through Lent.  It has not been at all what I thought it would be!
 
I must admit, I had dreams of conquering Lent.  Despite the advice to take it easy, I was going to be at EVERY SINGLE SERVICE!  I just knew I could do it.  I'm super mom right?

Yeah, about that....

I was beat down by the first service.
 
The Canon of St. Andrew.  (not cannon)

It's about 2 hours long. 

Did I mention that Josh was working each night of the services the first week?  So it would be me and the kids by ourselves (and all the wonderful and helpful people at church). 

What was I thinking?  Keeping a 1 and 2 year old happy for that long?  I finally heeded the advice and decided to take Tuesday night off.

The Presanctified Liturgy went well. It was neat to see the transformation of the Liturgy.  I couldn't help but look up when we were supposed to be prostrating so I could see what Father was doing.  I LOVE all the added symbolism!  Plus, I knew there was food afterwards, who doesn't love a good church meal?! 

Then the next glitch, family in town.  Not exactly the type of service (The Canon of St. Andrew) you want to bring your non-Orthodox family to visit.  It's a great service, but it is intended for those participating in Lent and would mean very little to those who are not.

Now Josh and I are going out of town.  We are able to catch an Akathist at a Greek church in Charlotte.  It was beautiful.  We were alone... it was quiet!  The Priest was so kind and had such thought provoking words to share after the prayers. We missed the Sunday of Orthodoxy service, I was very sad about that.  It's a good thing it happens again next year!
Though it is the Lent season, Josh and I were celebrating our Anniversary, so now it was party time!  We had a blast celebrating, but it was very hard coming back and entering back in to the solemn attitude of Lent.  On top of that, I got sick....no services for me.

Then comes Protestant Easter.  Do what?  We're celebrating Easter, but not really.  I just got so mentally and spiritually confused!  How can I be happy about the Resurrection when I am just beginning the journey leading up to His death? 

Now the kids are starting to get sick.  My family RARELY gets sick, and of course, it happens during Lent, the time that I am trying to go to church as much a possible to learn about this Lent thing.

Then I get frustrated about the way I spend my time.  Since my meals are simple, I don't have as much prep time, so sometimes I even have a moment to myself.  Do I think first to spend that time in prayer or reading the Bible?  Nope.  Reading a book or to Facebook I go.  It's not until the time is up and it's time for a chore that I remember, duh!  I should have been praying!

Some of my meals are getting a little bit boring to me.  Repeating the same meals week after week does little for my pallet, but I think that's part of the point.  I don't plan to change the meals, I want to learn to deal with the monotony and focus more on Christ.  It could be much worse.

And then there is tonight, I got all dressed and showered (a rarity for me home without a spouse), only to have two sick children after naptime.

Sigh....

No Akathist for us.

I didn't pout. 

But I have been put in my place.  Humility....it's one of the first things we are supposed to be working on.  Apparently I needed a lot of practice with that one.

I am accepting the fact that I can't make it to every service and am thankful that there are people at church praying for me.  I am learning to be thankful for the opportunities that I do have to worship with my church family and to pray at home. I'm not perfect and I can't do it all. It's a good thing this will all happen again next year, and the year after, and the year after, etc.
 
Sunday marks the half-way point.  Amazing.  The Priest in Charlotte asked us rhetorically how our first week of Lent had gone.  He acknowledged that we might have made some mistakes, missed services, forgot about fasting, etc.  He also told us not to stress about it.  Pick up and move on to the next day and start all over again.  So that's what I plan to do.  Even if Lent isn't going the way I envisioned, each day is a new start!

Forgiveness Sunday

Photo Credit

I am a jumble of thoughts tonight.  It has been a very busy, stressful, and filling day.  My heart is overflowing, but I know I am going to collapse! 

Just a typical Sunday morning Liturgy can wear me out. 

I'm pretty sure Sydney ate her weight in M&M's today as her treat for going potty 100 million times (not including all the failed attempts.)

Julianna continues to suffer from "pewitis."  A complete and utter frustration to be in or anywhere near a pew.

Praise God that Abby is so cute that people are begging to hold her, I'm not sure what I would have done without so many people coming to my rescue!

After fueling up on carbs and coffee after church, Josh and I dropped the 5 little monkeys off with their Godmother and went to join several of the folks that we will be running with in next weekend's race.  Our team leader organized a nice and challenging workout for us throughout UNC campus.  Running I have down, arm strength....lacking.  At least I wasn't at the back of the pack.  T minus one week until the race.

Then off to celebrate with our friends the Chrismation and birthday of our newest convert...And wash off all of our sweat in preparation of Forgiveness Vespers. 

This is the point of the day that I started getting nervous.  Josh and I have not yet experienced a full Liturgical year in the Orthodox Church.  So much of the time, we have NO idea what's coming.  I've read about Forgiveness Vespers.  I know there will be lots of hugging and people. Not ideal for an introvert, but I know it's something I need to experience. 

Church does not start off how I had planned.  My two middle babies are protesting service.  Julianna, because she always does, Sydney because she hasn't napped all afternoon.  I think I had to leave service 5 times right away.  Don't my babies know I am trying to prepare my mind for what's to come?  Can't they let me just stand and listen?  I am already in tears before any forgiving has started...and also thinking about how I'm going to need to start by asking forgiveness of my 2 yr.old with all the thoughts about her rolling around in my head.  Thankfully, my two oldest are diligently working on the notebooks I put together for them to work on during the many services during Lent.

I notice right away a change in the service.  The curtain of the iconostasis has been changed from it's typical white to a dark crimson color.

The Priest and the Deacon are in dark purple vestments.  There are no bells on the censer.  Once the evening Prokeimenon is read, all of the tones turn to a mournful minor key. 

*Sigh*

I am finally able to listen and focus.  I am reminded of all that has lead up to this point.

Humility.

Repentance.

Love.

Forgiveness.

This journey has already been a roller coaster of emotions.  Just looking back through the last few weeks I see the beauty of how our preparations have been laid out.  One could not have approached tonight's Forgiveness Vespers without having an attitude of humility, repentance and love. 

We close the formal service by reciting the Prayer of St. Ephrem while doing a series of prostrations:

O Lord and Master of my Life, take from me the spirit of sloth, faint-heartedness, lust of power, and idle talk. (prostration)

 

But give rather the spirit of chastity, humility, patience, and love to they servant. (prostration)

 

Yea, O Lord and Kind, grant me to see my own sins and not to judge my brother; for Thou art blessed unto ages of ages. Amen.  (prostration)

 

Julianna holding her service book, prostrating herself

 

After the Vespers had ended, Father offered a brief explanation of what was coming next.  Starting with himself, we were all to say to one another "Please forgive me, a sinner."  I love how he takes the time to not just explain, but demonstrate for us (especially us first timers, although I still had to ask my Godmother what to say before it was my turn!).  Then he explains the proper response.  I must admit that I would have said,"I forgive you!"  But, Father reminds us that only God can forgive, our proper response is to say the same, "Please forgive me, a sinner."  Father, standing in front of us all, starts the process and asks forgiveness of us all and then bows before us.  Truly humbling.

 



We all begin with Father and add ourselves to the chain once we have asked forgiveness of everyone in line before us, then we stand like a receiving line, all circled around the Nave, asking forgiveness of those passing in front of us. 

I had no idea how I was going to react.  I began with Father, barely able to speak above a whisper.  It's not easy admitting you are sinful.  I watched my daughters moving bravely down the line ahead of me.  "I can do this!"  I think weakly.  Every so often I would reach a dear friend and my eyes would flood with tears.  It was a completely moving experience to go around and individually ask forgiveness of each and every member of our church family. Not just that, but also watching my sweet daughters do the same. Even little Abby was acknowledged and asked for forgiveness.  I was flooded with emotions. It is completely humbling to confess to everyone that you are a sinner and need forgiveness. It equals the playing field. All of us are completely sinful, there is not one who is better than the other, and we all are in need of forgiveness.  Our Deacon summarized the point of tonight's service so completely on Facebook tonight,

 "Forgive me, a sinner. Forgive me *because* I’m a sinner. Because I’m connected to creation and, thus, my sins contribute to the fracturing of it. Because the evil I introduce into the world affects you. Because there is no such thing as private sins. Because my sins – even the ones not aimed at you and that you will never know about – are, therefore, sins against you. So, yeah, for all that: forgive me, a sinner."

As we closed out the service my heart was completely full (and my arms were extremely tired, I do not recommend doing pull-ups and then holding a baby for an hour afterwards!).  I feel so refreshed, yet exhausted at the same time.  I have no idea what I am in for these next few weeks, but I cannot think of a better way to start!